June 3rd: Today I am sad. My fam was her for the passed week and I have ready forgotten most of the converstions we had and place we went. I look at the pictures to bring back glimpes but that’s all I can grab hold onto i think about the fact they were all together and feel joy and the next second the joy is napped as I can’t remember the days I am also very sorrowful, actually broknhearded over another event that has happen. I have cried the day way but cannot yet myself to put it into words
June 4th: So far today sucks. I could forgot to put a cup in place before making coffee. Cleaned up the mess and wlked way. Don want to deal with that plan Decide to clean the batroom but don’t know where cleaner stuff is so no. Just tuen on music and see if someone comes to sit to.
June 5th: Read in Psalms 37 but ten minutes and I did not rember what it was. Not good today. No function with words to together for thought. I don’t know which ones to use for things not good for riding or too.
June 6th: So this Wednesday, hump day. Nothing makes Wednesday worse than someone saying its not Friday yet. Hahaha!! I really miss cooking. I have a large 3 ring binder with recipes I’ve used over the years but too hard to do. Can’t know what ingred I went to the pantry to pull once I get there. Three trips later, 1 ingred. not worth the frustrtion. Just close the book put the bowls away and eat some boiled eggs boats.
June 7th: Not bad at all today. Made coffee like a grownup. Realized yesterday was Thursday so Friday came early this week. No plans. Son is in Vegas. Daughter is working. Just gonna hang with Tim and Tristan prolly mostly at home. It’s good to feel the peace and have someone close by to answer questions if I have them or just chat about the good ole days which I remember well.
June 8th: My heart still hurts from something that happened early this week. Someone had talked to us about a wish they had and discussed with us for over 7 years. We opened the door for it to come to pass, made financial arrangements, put together a plan and then they decided not to do it. Still hurts, but hey, no one ever said life was fair. Good thing nobody said that or I would need to carry a fire extinguisher to put their pants out. Life has always hit me hard. I look back on my life and still wonder why I was given life. I guess if the only reason was to give birth to my three amazing children, I am grateful. Almost thankful that his moment will not last more than a couple weeks, if that, as I will forget.
June 9th: got ready and went to church even though all I wanted to do was sleep. Pastor said something about finding what you have to give, to share with others. Zip. Nada. Nuttin. Ther’s nothing left in there most days. I am going to take a nap and then decide what’s for dinner. Too tired to go out.
June 10th: I am having a total fit of anger today. Yesterday, I was experiencing a lot of grief over everything and no the flipped had switch and im mad as a wet cat. Alzheimer’s sucks for everyone. I never pray for me. I pray for my husband and children and grandchildren. it well be horribel for them for yearsot come. it’s called the long goodbye for a reason. every day there is some kind of decline in the one you now and loev. always changing for the worse until they dya ther mind is gone and then nothing until their last breth. AWful! thye deverse best.
June 11th: My daughter has been asking me to go out and do something. I don’t want to leave the house ever. Once I can get motivated to leave sometimes okay, others times I just wan to be back home. I don’t want to make her feel bad or like I don’t want to do anything with her, but i don;t want to do anything out there. I feel safe here.
June 12th: Mind is a little sharper today. I had coffee, showered, got dressed brushed my hair and waited on Kyra and the kiddos to arrive. Just having a quiet afternoon at home and maybe planning girl’s night out for Friday if I am up to it. Tim and I hardly go out anymore for dinner because I am so tired come evening, I throw something frozen in the oven or he goes to pick something up. I miss those evenings out with him.
June 13th: Theo came by. So glad he is back in Texas. He went to Vegas and then one day they went to Utah and ran the trails up the mountain at Zion National Park, Those runs scare me but he lives and breathes trail running and I am very proud of the life and friends he has made. He has changed completely in the last couple of years and it has been for his good. That makes my heart feel good.
June 14th: Going out with Kyra tonight. We have a plan A and plan B so if I can’t do one thing, we will attempt another. I hope we have a good evening. I think we deserve it.
June 15th: We dd plan a. I was okay til i started getting dark thn coulna get home fast enough. I just want to slep now and not go anywher ever again I do not feel saf anymoer whn ia m not here. i get scared so easy. this is not me. I am never aferd until this monster took redenc in my head. I want to go home now.
June 18th: I am still tired. I have lost time the past few days. They tell me there are triggers that seem to shut me down and make me retreat from everyone and everything but I don’t know what they are in order to avoid them. I only have brief moments of memory since Friday. Very brief, random, and nonsensical moments in time flash through my mind but I cannot put the puzzle together. This is now my life. And for the most part, it sucks! One great hing I remember is Kyra’s test results come in in the morning.
I have shared two weeks here on this blog. No edits. Just the days or moments as they come when I remember to write something about the day. Good days. Bad days. Scary days. Blank days. Days that are fairly clear, days that are mostly cloudy, and the dark days when I cannot see anything at all. Days of brief memories and days of blank slates. This is my life now.